Would you like me to lick your balls with that?

Aaaaaaghhhh!!! I’ve been back at work for less than a week and already I’m going to start killing people.

Ahem, okay, deep breath *deep breath*, first of all welcome to the first post of my new blog. Now, my rant:

I haven’t had time to post these past few days because I’ve been busy with retarded shit at work. So my boss (just to clarify I have a unit head then, above him, a boss) has a meeting to attend. And he needs a powerpoint, which me and my unit head are to create. Ofcourse that means I am going to be making it because my unit head is not the most computer saavy person on Earth. Whatever, fine. I spend most of the day creating the presentation and integrating shit from various places. And my unit head comes and suggests some irrelevant changes like “make the logo a centimeter smaller”. Again, thats fine.

Time passes, I’m still working on this presentation, and my unit head starts getting annoying. He stands right behind me, the whole time, just standing. Waiting. It’s so annoying and actually distracting. So I tell him “You can wait in your office if you want, I’ll email it to you when I’m done”. I say it nicely, but still I convey the message: leave me.

But he doesn’t leave, he just says “Yeah, its just that the boss is coming soon and I know he’s going to want it the minute he comes in”.

And then whats worse is that he starts giving me tips on how to do things. He can’t even friggin’ change slide design and he’s telling me ways to go about PowerPoint. I don’t say anything to him because I know he’s just nervous. My unit head is nice and gentle but he is a coward when it comes to dealing with our boss.

Anyway, I get the presentation done. And its really nice. I created a nice simple slide design, it had our logo, I used our 2 corporate colors. It was everything a powerpoint should be: Nice, clean, simple, and consistent. Consistent except for the part where they made me add some slides that our boss created. They were really bad. They were made of all different colors. What was worse than the colors was sudden inexplicable font size changes. It was like I was having a bad acid trip: Crazy colors, things changing sizes. It was really really bad. Anyway, I’m told to add them as they are. So I do.

Now, our boss is a slithery little fellow. He knows that he can’t just say anything to me and get away with it (like he can to our mouse-like unit head). So he gets other people to do his dirty work. My boss tells my unit head to tell me that “the presentation is really ugly. Let *name here* print out a copy of the presentation that she made and a copy my presentation and compare them and learn what her mistakes are”.

Really? Really? Okay, lets take a looksy then. I was expecting that I’d be walking through the looking glass back into crazyland. But I should know better than to think our boss would actually take the time to change a whole presentation. It was the exact same presentation, all he did was make some fonts a little bigger. I wish he’d made them all bigger. But some were bigger. Some were ALOT bigger. And he didn’t even bother to change the font color to match the presentation. He just basically left some randomly sized black text on every other slide.

I’ve learned that I can’t take anything my boss says seriously. But I was none the less slightly offended. I mean even if you are going to call my work ugly atleast make some significant changes before calling it your beautiful presentation.

Whatever, I got over it. There is no pleasing that man anyway. One day he likes red the next flourescent yellow with a hint of blueberry crush covered in doo-doo. I take it one day at a time, as long as he knows that he can’t say shit to me, let him be schtizo. My unit head gets all the verbal lashing – because he takes it. Unlike him, if the boss says’ jump’, I say ‘you first motherfucker’.

So that was yesterday. As for today…

This fine establishment had decided to give its employees hyperthermia. The retards have turned on the heating so high that I feel the urge to twirl around on the spot and call myself a shawerma.

Anyway….

My unit head tells me that he’s going to be emailing me a couple of documents pertaining to the projects we were talking about yesterday and that I should read them and in the process print out 4 copies (on for each member of the unit) to use in our meeting.

I don’t mind doing that, I’m not exactly going out of my way, I need to read them anyway. But when I actually get the email. There are 14 documents attached. A bunch of which I’d written (therefore I don’t have to read them). And some of them were long.

What the fuck? Are you serious? Do I look like your flipping secretary? You can’t just email me hundreds of pages and ask me to print them out and staple them so you can distribute them to people. And that’s what I told him – but nicely. He said that he only asked me to do it because he was busy and that he does similar things alot and that each person needs a hard copy at the meeting. So I told him, if each person needs a hard copy, you email them the files and say print out a copy for the meeting. You don’t tell me to print out copies and give them to people. And then I turned around and left.

Sheesh. Print them out and distribute them. Would you like me to lick your balls with that? Because that’s what a bitch does. And I refuse to be the bitch of the unit! I’m nobody’s bitch! NOBODY’S!!!!!!!

Anyway, I know that the poor guy meant nothing by it. And I decided to print out the documents and when he came in and asked me if I did the other work I was supposed to do (which is actually meaningful) I said “No. I’ve been printing the things you told me to print!”. Grrrrrr…..

And that’s when he apologized.

And so I got what I wanted in the end: He now knows that I’m not the bitch. And I got to print some papers, sit here, eat my honey, surf the net, and blog. I’ll get to stapling the papers on Sunday. I’ve gotta milk this cow for all its worth you know.

Until Stapling Sunday!